Saved by the Bell.

My dear Mama had to have a bowel operation which resulted in her having a Colostomy Bag.
One day, when Darling Trubes and I were visiting her in Hospital ,shortly after her operation, a woman in the opposite bed, who had only one leg, got out of her bed and hopped like fury down the ward to "pay a visit".
The urgency of her "visit" was highlighted by the most enormous farts imaginable, which, of course, she had no control over. The quicker she hopped, the faster and louder the farts became ! This rendered Darling Trubes and I into fits of helpless laughter. As this was early on on our relationship we were barely on "farting terms" let alone Darling Trubes having to share such an intimate moment with his future mother-in-law, who was not amused, which, made us giggle even more !
 Mother, who was slightly deaf, made matters worst by saying, "Oh do excuse me, it`s this damned Colostomy Bag you know!

 Then, totally changing the subject, Mama said, "Wouldn`t you think (pointing to the one legged flatulent woman) she`d put her leg on before going to the bathroom" ? "Common as muck that one" !

By now poor Darling Trubes was totally helpless with laughter, whilst I was trying to explain to Mama, who the culprit really was ! Fortunately, on cue, the "visitors bell" rang to signal the end of visiting time.
We bade our farewells and dashed toward the door, only to be greeted by the one legged woman, who was hopping back to her bed (without the musical accompaniment.) "

Tarrah luv", she said, It`s nice to see yous having a laugh with your Mam,
 yous cheered herrup no end" !

True Blue: AS WELL AS WHAT ?

True Blue: AS WELL AS WHAT ?

AS WELL AS WHAT ?

Daughter: "Hi Mama how are you" ?
Mama: "Fine thanks darling, How are you, what are you up to" ?
Daughter: "Just about to watch the Liverpool Match on the tele"
Mama: "Oh that`s nice, (thoughts wandering-feigning interest,
being a "True Blue" an`all, " shame on her for not being
an Evertonian.) "Who are they playing" ?
Daughter: They`re playing Toulouse.
Mama: "What" ?
Daughter: (raising voice) "I said they`re playing Toulouse".
Mama: (also raising voice and showing irritation at daughter`s
perceived rudeness)
"What`s the use in playing, if they`re playing to lose" ?
Daughter: (now shrieking with laughter) "I SAID TOULOUSE, you
know , the French Team" ! God Mama you going deaf as well" ?
Mama: Laughing also, (penny finally dropped and trying to regain parental dignity)" Oh
yes, arn`t I silly" ? "Well do enjoy it, I hope they win" (said through gritted teeth,
as well as being a true blue ,Mama Trubes is an ardent Franchophile !)
(Further thought)
"What does she mean, "Going deaf as well".... "As well as what" ?
Daughter: (still chortling) "Must go Mama, the game`s starting". "Love you" (kisses down
phone).
Mama: "Love you too darling".